Self doubt

I read something somewhere, some dating advice blog, that giving the silent treatment is one way to manipulate someone into doing what you want. In an effort to be a better, more mature and emotionally stable woman, I texted Cutie back on Friday and we ended up having a terrific exchange in which we were able to move on from our awkwardness.

It wasn’t about a relationship with Cutie, it was about wanting to know where he stands, clarifying where I stand, as well as the fact that I feel strongly about him as friends, lovers, and human beings. Part of me was afraid that once one or both of us took on a relationship someday, we’d have to stop being friends. I truly adore the man and he’s amazing so obviously I wouldn’t want that. We talked it out and it came down to him telling me that he wants me in his life and if that meant we could only be friends, so be it, he’s happy either way.

Though we haven’t made plans to see each other (which I think is for the best, until we’re both feeling 100% about things) everything seems to be getting back to normal. Even though it was hard to go through, difficult to figure out, and hard to understand, I’m really glad I did it. It was the right thing to do. However, I’m still reeling a little from the rejection and it’s given me some self-doubt. I know that this was about him, not me. And, in getting to know him, to understand him, I’m seeing what he wants. Something for another post.

After work on Friday I met Runner for a quick and early dinner before his business trip. Everything seemed to go well throughout our meal. But when he walked me to my car he was distant and our kiss was half-hearted. Runner has always texted me when he gets home but this night he did not. I called my BFF for a pep-talk and some dessert therapy. At 10pm I decided that I would just text him. They guy took me to dinner (again) and even though he was a little distant at the end of the night, the rest of the evening had been pleasant. Knowing me, he’s questioning my lack of warmth and wondering how interested I really am. It was our fifth date (I think) and at this point he should know. How shitty of me not to say thanks simply because he didn’t text me first? I sent him a short thanks, it was nice, have a great trip text.

About 30 minutes later he texted me back, something sweet, made plans for the next time, confirmed I had his email as he would be traveling internationally, and asked if I needed anything. I read them outloud to my friend and then said, “I’m not sure I really like him.” My friend burst out laughing and said that I needed counseling. God, no kidding!

Since then, Cutie and I have been doing well and Runner and I have been emailing daily. Runner has been checking out my online dating profile almost every day. Why would he do that? He hasn’t said anything. Is it weird? Normal?

I don’t have any dates lined up and frankly, I’m not all that popular on OKCupid, which is another thing that makes me doubt myself. I know I’m not beautiful or hot, I’m mostly considered “cute” and I’m not skinny, but I’m “average”. I try not to be too into myself on my profile so maybe I’m “boring”, and my photos kinda suck so that probably doesn’t help. I’m not perfect but I think I’m a great catch, especially when I see photos of married women who have let themselves go (and laugh to myself when it’s the wife of a guy I had the hots for in high school), but obviously there is something wrong with me. I wish I knew what it was.


2 thoughts on “Self doubt

  1. Hi there
    Runner might be checking out your online profile to look at your photos, and/or think about you. I think it’s a good thing.
    And there’s nothing wrong with you! You do sound like a good catch, and you seem to know yourself that you’re not really wanting a big relationship right now. So you should continue to take it slow, and figure things out as you go.
    Good luck!

  2. Pingback: Relationship ready? | 36 and Single

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