Cutie called me out on the not texting him back stuff. I was planning on it, but just when I was in a better space as I didn’t want to say anything that I’d regret. He was concerned and wanted to know if I was OK. I texted back right away that I was fine and was sorry to make him worry, and that I was just in a little funk. I said I felt overwhelmed. He said some sweet and uplifting things, and mentioned that it’s OK to show my human side. He knows I put on a tough face and has mentioned it before. We made arrangements to see each other on Thursday. He told me if I “needed a break or something else” to just talk to him. He’s totally onto me.
Part of me says to tell him the truth, but I’m not sure what that would sound like. I don’t want a committed relationship, but I want more than what we have. What does that even mean? Please, enlighten me because I have no clue! In fact, on my run tonight I was thinking about what I want, from Runner and from Cutie, and I couldn’t come up with the right answer. As always, I came back to my fears of getting into a relationship, feeling smothered, being depressed and fat, losing myself, hating life, and the end of a relationship, which always hurts. Then putting myself back together . . . again.
I don’t want to lose Cutie. I really like him as a human being. He doesn’t play games, he is sweet and kind, and he is really special to me. I’ve never met anyone before who I want to make happy and who I can 100% be myself around. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t want to ruin it either by getting into a relationship. I wish he saw me the same way and we could figure out how to make it work for us both.
The reality with Runner is that I don’t know him well enough to form any real opinions of him. I know a lot about him on the outside, but that’s it. We’re still getting to know each other. And while I’m interested in continuing to persue things, in some ways it’s depressing because I wish he was Cutie. That’s not really fair to Runner and I’m not being 100% honest to Cutie, which causes me a lot of stress. I always want to try to do the right thing. I care about Cutie a lot and Runner is a nice guy who is investing a lot into getting to know me. But at this stage, with my relationship with Cutie being totally NSA and my relationship with Runner being so new, I shouldn’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.