And so . . .

Cutie called me out on the not texting him back stuff. I was planning on it, but just when I was in a better space as I didn’t want to say anything that I’d regret. He was concerned and wanted to know if I was OK. I texted back right away that I was fine and was sorry to make him worry, and that I was just in a little funk. I said I felt overwhelmed. He said some sweet and uplifting things, and mentioned that it’s OK to show my human side. He knows I put on a tough face and has mentioned it before. We made arrangements to see each other on Thursday. He told me if I “needed a break or something else” to just talk to him. He’s totally onto me.

Part of me says to tell him the truth, but I’m not sure what that would sound like. I don’t want a committed relationship, but I want more than what we have. What does that even mean? Please, enlighten me because I have no clue! In fact, on my run tonight I was thinking about what I want, from Runner and from Cutie, and I couldn’t come up with the right answer. As always, I came back to my fears of getting into a relationship, feeling smothered, being depressed and fat, losing myself, hating life, and the end of a relationship, which always hurts. Then putting myself back together . . . again.

I don’t want to lose Cutie. I really like him as a human being. He doesn’t play games, he is sweet and kind, and he is really special to me. I’ve never met anyone before who I want to make happy and who I can 100% be myself around. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t want to ruin it either by getting into a relationship. I wish he saw me the same way and we could figure out how to make it work for us both.

The reality with Runner is that I don’t know him well enough to form any real opinions of him. I know a lot about him on the outside, but that’s it. We’re still getting to know each other. And while I’m interested in continuing to persue things, in some ways it’s depressing because I wish he was Cutie. That’s not really fair to Runner and I’m not being 100% honest to Cutie, which causes me a lot of stress. I always want to try to do the right thing. I care about Cutie a lot and Runner is a nice guy who is investing a lot into getting to know me. But at this stage, with my relationship with Cutie being totally NSA and my relationship with Runner being so new, I shouldn’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.

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9 thoughts on “And so . . .

  1. “As always, I came back to my fears of getting into a relationship, feeling smothered, being depressed and fat, losing myself, hating life, and the end of a relationship, which always hurts. Then putting myself back together . . . again.”

    The woman I was seeing for the past two and half months – this is pretty much what made it impossible for us. It didn’t matter what I did, or didn’t do – she was stuck on getting stuck in another suffocating relationship built on routines and lacking “freedom.” This isn’t to say I was innocent in the whole thing, but I was trying my best to be open and flexible because we were still learning about each other.

    What I see all over the place online, and have experienced in my own dating life, are a lot of people who want to maintain “options,” and who are scared out of their wits of any form of commitment. I’m not talking about marriage here; I’m talking about choosing to date only one person to see what happens. Or to openly date two people, but they both know that you are doing so. It just seems like a lot of folks want to keep people around, and also keep looking too, which means they never really get to know anyone. No one ever gets a real chance.

    The thing is that monogamy doesn’t work without commitment, and neither does polyamory. Those practicing poly in healthy ways have clear boundaries and limits, and they’ve made clear decisions about who is in their intimate circle, and who isn’t. But it’s also really helpful to think of commitment in stages. That you start with something like “I’m choosing to focus on you and see what happens.” Instead of leaping to “We are now bound together forever.”

    • Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

      I’m not afraid of commitment because I want options. And, the monogomy thing, well, that’s something that I’ll have to think about if it comes up. I don’t think about it much, to be honest. It’s the commitment, the losing myself, the vulnerability, the unhappiness, the suffocation that I’m afraid of.

      • Commitment doesn’t have to mean all that other miserable stuff. That was my main point – it can be worked out for the benefit of both parties in the relationship. As for wanting options, I think that’s fine until you start wanting more than something casual. I don’t know what it is that you want from the relationship with Cutie. But if you want a lot more than you are getting now, then it’s more than casual. And you can’t expect someone to give you a lot more, when you aren’t willing to give them more as well.

        Anyway, good luck with the conversation this evening.

  2. I don’t think you are really being 100% yourself and comfortable around Cutie like you say you are. If so you could tell him that what you’re getting from his is not enough, and clearly it isn’t. You want to have more than just a fuck-and-run type of arrangement. You seem to want to actually have the Friendship in the FWB and that is totally OK. It’s perfectly reasonable and totally doable! Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. He just might surprise you.

    As for the full-blown relationship thing, I completely understand your hesitation. You’re not ready yet and you can’t push yourself to be ready. One day, you just will be.

  3. You just have to talk to Cutie!! At this point, there really is no way around it. If he really is the sweet and thoughtful guy you think he is, chances are the conversation will not go badly. And even if you two decide to go your separate ways, it is always better to leave on a good note than a bad one.
    Regarding Runner– you have not given much detail regarding his age, occupation, general place in life- so it is hard to form a strong opinion about what he might be looking for. Now there is a chance that he is a player just looking for his next “score”, but given how you met, how considerate he has been.,etc., he might be genuinely looking for a girlfriend, if not a long term relationship- guys like that are not unicorns-they do existed!!! (I married one.)
    You know the saying “A good man is hard to find- but hard man is good to find”?!?!
    I think that you are at the point where you have to think what is going to make you happiest right now: a good man or the “hard” man.
    Good luck!

    • You know whatever you decide you want right now can always be adjusted at another time. In my point of view, I think you have out grown the whole FWB situations and are letting your fears get the better of you. What you say you want from Cutie– how is that any different from regular dating? Yes, a lot of people rush in to an all or nothing type relationship
      right away– but really that is always sort of disfunctional. Dating could be casual but not in the FWB way, more in the “let’s give this six months ” before we even start talking commitment.
      And let’s suppose you start dating Cutie, Runner or some one else and after a while the relationship isn’t exactly what you want/you don’t feel good in it— you know you can end!! You don’t have to let it drag on once the “magic” is gone.
      I think that because you stayed with your ex for way, way too long and put up with way too much–this does not mean you have to do that again. You have control of what goes on in your life.
      You want more from your FWB- tell him!!
      If he can’t give you what you want- find some one else!
      You want to date Runner- date him!
      If he wants you as a “girlfriend” and you are not ready- ask for more time! If he want something you can’t give him– set him free!
      If he wants you as a girlfriend and you want him- go for it!!
      You have control!

  4. This is how I feel as well. I had a great last relationship (well, great considering we still ended, but he was a great guy and I learned a ton from him), but still can’t imagine having to go through another ending and being broken hearted and getting used to being single AGAIN. But then when I meet somebody I can actually connect with, I want MORE, I just don’t want a relationship yet. But that’s not really very clear, and will probably just end up leading to getting hurt anyway. I’m not even worried about the relationship and really, a relationship shouldn’t cause stress/depression/whatever else negative… Maybe what you (and probably I) want is to just have somebody there, so you’re not so alone, but maybe you aren’t ready to rely on anybody else either? Who knows….

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