I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things happen

The worst part about dating, especially internet dating, is the first meeting. If you have been following my blog for long, you’ll know that I have had two second dates. That’s in “real dating.” The sex dating (Adult Friend Finder and Craigslist) has netted me three second dates, with two ending in sex and with two long-term FWBs. How many first dates/meets have I been on? A lot.

I have done a couple of things to help me through the pain and suffering of the first meeting. For me, it’s about wasting my time. I don’t like to do that. I know dating is a numbers game, but fuck that, I have things to do! There are just two evenings per week (Monday through Friday) that I don’t have plans. If I need to work late during the week I always try to do it on those two nights. If I end up not having to work late, those are the two nights I am free to socialize. However, socializing must take place immediately after work and must be close to my home. On the weekends I am usually busy or not feeling like doing my hair and make-up. I’m around people all week and sometimes I just want a day to veg and be by myself. Plus, I have shit to do like clean and shop for groceries. I try to avoid weekends in this early dating phase.

So far, all of my first dates/meets have been fine with these “rules” of mine. Of course, I don’t approach them as rules, I just make suggestions and as all men want some pussy, they will usually bow to the power of the “V” and everyone has been more than happy to oblige. As far as I can tell women have never received brownie points for making things easier for a man anyway. The secret is not in being a bitch, it’s about being persuasive.

In order to keep my mind off of Cutie, I have delved back into the dating pool. Kinda. I’m still not ready to have a relationship. I’m still not prepared for love or committment. But, I think it’s time to put myself out there. Sometimes I want a man to want to spend time with me without my legs in the air. It would be nice to not have to cancel seeing someone because I’ve got my period. Admittedly, this is what I’ve asked for and in most ways it fits with my lifestyle and the place I’m at in my life right now. So, I can’t really complain.

I am planning to meet a three men from AFF over the next week and one from OKCupid. They are all coming to me during my down time, so while if they don’t work out it will still be a waste of time, at least it’s not as much of a waste of time. It makes it sting just a little bit less after spending an hour or more with someone I couldn’t care less if I ever saw again. I’m not overly excited about any of them. I am a tad bit nervous about the OKCupid guy though because when I go on dates like this I feel like I’m being interviewed. It’s not all about whether or not someone want to fuck me (they always do – shocking, I know!) it’s about whether or not they are attracted to me and like me as a person. That kind of rejection is hard to take.

I’m at a place where I’m really beginning to love myself. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I like who I am and who I’m becoming. I feel like I have a good handle on my wants and needs. I am realizing what I want in life and in a partner, someday. My career is taking off. Things are falling into place for me. I feel good. I know I’m a good catch. But, I’m still fragile. It takes time to pick up all the pieces and glue them together and then you have to wait for the glue to dry. My life with the Ex, letting myself go, becoming a person I did not want to be, is still a part of me and I have doubts and fears about becoming that person again. I don’t want some bad dates or rejection to destroy what I’ve been building over the past year. And I don’t want a relationship to drag me back to who I was.

Truth? I’m scared.

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2 thoughts on “I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things happen

  1. I hate wasting time too. Good luck. I think you’ll be fine. You aren’t the same person you were and you are incredibly stronger than even you think you are. Trust yourself, continue to love yourself and take a step at a time.

  2. Pingback: Relationship ready? | 36 and Single

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