I get to the point where I feel overwhelmed with feelings. I also get overwhelmed with life on top of feelings. And, I get overwhelmed by men. When they are calling/texting/emailing me non-stop, I feel like I’m being pulled in 20 different directions. I like to have things in order and I like to have me time. I don’t like everyone and everything to want something from me. It stresses me out. I guess I should take a little hiatus from men. It would probably do me some good to take a little break and refocus on other things for awhile. After this week, I think I will do just that. Until then, I’ve got an action-packed week ahead of me!
Tonight I’m meeting a guy from Craigslist. I keep trolling through that stupid site. It’s where I met my original FWB, who, by the way, I am not missing at least not as a lover. So, I figure I could get lucky. I’ve learned a valuable lesson though and that is to only schedule meetings with internet guys (especially from Craigslist) when you have the time, you’re already made-up, and if they will drive to you. Tuesday nights are usually free, I can meet directly from work, and we are meeting practically in walking distance of my home. That way, I don’t feel like my precious time has been wasted.
Thursday I am seeing Cutie. Things with him are still weird (in my head) and I’m still debating whether or not to bring it up. On one hand, I don’t want things to end, but on the other hand I need to be authentic to myself and fulfill my wants and needs. I’ve never met anyone in my life who I feel so comfortable with and who I genuinely like. He’s a good person with a big heart and he’s sweet and kind. There are no games. We have a great connection and really wonderful chemistry. Though we were interested in seeing each other when we first met, it wasn’t the kind of chemistry that’s blinding – it has grown over time and is still developing as we talk more and spend more time together. We have truly intimate conversations and he’s an amazing listener. He’s honest, which is a big deal. He’s the first person in my life who has been so good to me that he makes me want to be good to him. There’s this affection and selflessness I feel toward him that I have never felt before, and it doesn’t come with resentment, like perhaps with a child or a pet (when it’s a chore). I want to make him laugh, cum, feel good, because I love to see him happy and I love to give to him, but he never expects it or asks for it, he appreciates it. Wow . . . is this making any sense?
I guess my fears are that A.) he’ll see my request as something that’s building up – for instance, today I just want a casual dating relationship, tomorrow I’ll want to get married – and that will scare him away, B.) I will have to hear that I’m not worth the time to him, that he only has the time to fuck me occasionally, or C.) that I’m not dating material – I’m not the whole package – because I’m not good looking enough/thin enough/smart enough/goal-oriented enough/nice enough/etc/. So, you can see why I might just want to end it. I couldn’t bear to hear B or C from him, which are pretty much what my original FWB told me, just in actions instead of words. It would be easier to never know, to end it while it’s good, to not feel that kind of pain or rejection.
In my mind, and experience, if a man is into you he will ask you out. It doesn’t matter the number of texts, the sweet nothings, the affection, the words, just that he wants to spend time with you . . . or he doesn’t. My BFF thinks he’s just as scared as I am about things and is keeping me at an arms length because I’ve been adamant about not wanting a relationship and because I have such a tough exterior. But, I find that with men, not even this keeps them from trying to get what they want. So, I don’t really buy it.
Last week I added a profile to OKCupid. I felt like maybe this site was between AFF and Match. Something more than a FWB but less than a realationship. And that’s where I’m at right now. I could do a FWB thing, but I need romance, I need someone who wants to spend time with me outside of the bedroom, I need to at least not feel like I’m being used for my pussy. So, I’m meeting someone from the site on Friday after an appointment in town. After that, unless the guy I met at the running store, who doesn’t seem interested, asks me out, I’m taking a little vacay I think.