I broke-up with my original FWB last night.
After we got off the phone I felt some sadness which made me feel uncomfortable. I need to learn to work through my feelings instead of being afraid of them. After I was done feeling like I might cry a little, I spent some time disecting why. I guess severing that relationship was sad. It means one less friend (even though we said we’d keep in touch). One less person I can call on when I’m feeling lonely. I think part of it was a little bit of a blow to my ego. I’ll be honest: I kinda thought he’d offer to be more active outside of the bedroom with me.
But then again, he has told me what he’s looking for in a woman, and it’s not me. He’s got some ridiculous must-haves which I don’t satisfy. He’s also very self-absorbed and egotistical. Granted, the guy is smart, but he’s no smarter than the average bear, and when he told me that he pretty much fell for a woman on vacation who was just like him (his words: she was the female version of him) and then went on to list all of the countries she’s lived in, the degrees she has received, the languages she speaks, how intelligent she is, etc. it made me realize that when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see the same guy that the rest of us see. In fact, getting to know him, he’s not the same guy he tries to come across as. Even more important, when we talk it’s all about him. Being the friend I am, I will ask him about important events like job interviews, sporting events, and vacations, yet he rarely has any interest in what I’m doing. None of this matters though. He was a decent human being and a nice guy, but like the saying goes, the FWB relationship worked . . . until it didn’t.
Once I slept on it I was fine. In fact I was really fine because for the first time in a very long time, in a relationship, I was my authentic self. I didn’t wait until the relationship took a turn for the worse and exploded. There was no drama. I didn’t allow myself to stay in something I didn’t want to stay in for the sake of not wanting to let go. It’s not that I’ve never done this before, but it’s always been really hard for me and often, I didn’t do it when I should have and the relationship would take on a horrible life of it’s own, and before you know it everyone is miserable and so much time has been wasted. Today, I feel really great, and it feels right.