I have feelings for Cutie. And it’s starting to take on a life of it’s own which is no good. No good at all.
This must be what it feels like when an alcoholic falls off the wagon. I can feel things in my head and in my heart spinning a little out of control. This is exactly why I can’t do a relationship right now. It’s not a good thing. This is a very, very bad thing. Even if Cutie had the same feelings for me, this would not be a happy thing.
Not only that, but my overall feelings are changing. When I set out to have FWBs, I only wanted to fuck and have conversation. I did not want to spend time together outside of that realm. Now that I’m no longer in pain from what The Ex did to me and the bitterness has worn off, I’m softening. I’m feeling more confident, I’m happier, and I want to be more to people than the chick that a guy calls when he’s got a boner or when it’s been too long. I want to believe that I’m more than a vagina, that they like me as a human being, value my friendship, and care about me enough to spend time with me outside of the bedroom.
My FWBs don’t booty-call me and our relationships are not sleazy. They are kind and respectful. In the bedroom you wouldn’t be able to tell that we’re very casual. I know it’s all in the moment, especially when it comes to men, so I try not to read too much into things. I know that when a man has feelings for you, he lets it be known. But I’m finding that being a fuck-buddy isn’t enough. The problem is, being in a relationship is too much, and just the thought of it literally terrifies me. The way things are currenty, leaves me feeling a little like shit.
If I make plans and get my period, we cancel. Plans to see each other are based around every other thing we’re doing in our life at the moment, i.e., we are each other’s very last priority. Granted, we do talk between seeing each other and it’s not all disrespectful, but it’s definitely a fine line between friendship and something we do to keep things half-way good to stay in each other’s good graces so we can make sure we get sex when we want it.
The way I see it, I have a few options.
With my original FWB things are funny because we’re so comfortable together and we don’t have big, sparkly romance, so the sex is sort-of dull. There’s nothing there to “keep the love alive” (ie, dating) now that the newness has faded. But our friendship is quite good and a platonic frienship with him would make me happy. Our friendship has been based on sex. We could have easily had fun outside of the bedroom, but we haven’t seen one another as an option to do so. Which is a little shitty, if you ask me. I have a feeling that if I nix the sex our frienship would slowly fade. But, I’m not going to have sex with him just to maintain contact. The best I can do here is let him know that I really like him (because I do) but the sex-only relationship is no longer a desire nor do I want a relationship. That puts the ball in his court.
Cutie is another story. I just adore him. We talk and laugh for hours, and the sex is out of this world. But Cutie is damaged. As great as he is, and he really is great, he’s got quite the history. It goes back a long time, and what’s the most amazing thing about Cutie is how he’s turned things around. I think this makes Cutie emotionally unavailable times about 500. I think Cutie and I are really good at putting up a pretty great veneer, but inside we’re both fragile and deeply wounded. With Cutie, I could go forever just dating him. Spending time together, having fun, and not talking about deep stuff or having a real relationship. Mostly because I can’t imagine either one of us being able to handle it.
There are several things I could do here. One is just to end things with him. I can be honest and tell him that I developed feelings which makes things complicated, and because I didn’t want complication (and my feelings are making me feel sick/crazy/bad), I’m going to hightail it out of there. I could tell him that what we have isn’t enough but a relationship is too much; I need a happy medium, and then I could wait for him to decide what he wants to do and potentially feel like shit if he decides I’m not worth the extra effort. I could tell him that I have feelings for him, but I don’t want a relationship with him and then let him decide what to do based on his feelings for me, if he even has any. But, all of this means we have to define things, and there are expectations, and I desperately don’t want that. I guess what I really want is for Cutie to read my mind. To just know that I want to spend time with him outside of the bedroom as well as inside, I wanted to feel valued like a friend and not just a walking pussy, but I don’t want a relationship. I want a flirty, sexual friendship. And then of course, he needs to feel exactly the same.
What would make the most sense would be for me to end my sexual relationship with my original FWB and try to maintain a friendship. End my relationship with Cutie because it’s taking up too much real estate. And find new FWBs who know my expectations of the relationship, think I’m worth it, and then hold them up to those standards. Or maybe just take a break all together for awhile and just be. The weather (really wet, really dark), my BFF being coupled up (I’m feeling a little lonely), not loving my job right now . . . it’s all really getting to me.