I’ve been an little introspective lately. Perhaps it has something to do with an upcoming birthday. A year older so an evaluation is in order, right?
While I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be ten years ago, I’m happy. I’ve always struggled with doing what I’m supposed to do versus what I want to do. When I was 29 I thought I was supposed to be married and having babies. I got married and went off birth control. Thankfully divorces are not that difficult to get and I didn’t get pregnant. I had a great time being single after that, and then was re-introduced to The Ex. Again, the “I’m supposed to be married with kids!” thing kicked in and I quickly went from single and fabulous to in a relationship with (his) kids, living the proverbial suburban life. And, again, I was miserable. I should have known. BUT — there’s always a but! — the difference was that my ex-husband was safe, a friend, while The Ex was the guy who made my heart go all a-flutter, made me lose my appetite, made me feel a loss for words, was hot . . . and not safe. I thought that would make the difference and I would be happy. Clearly, I was wrong.
Where am I going with all this?
Last night I was laying in bed with Cutie after three orgasms (one for him, two for me). He’s so open, non-judgemental, kind, and honest. I feel really safe with him, like I can be me, and he’s OK with it, with everything. I don’t feel insecure about my body, about my abilities as a lover, or about what he might be doing when we’re not together. It’s not that I don’t care, but I’m not concerned, big difference. I know I can ask him anything, and he will answer me honestly, even if it’s uncomfortable for him. Granted, I don’t know him yet, but there’s a comfort level we share.
Cutie is not into manogomy. He’s not into “the lifestyle” and it’s not a hobby nor does he require anything of me when it comes to sex with other people. But, he feels like he gets different things from different people and different situations. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time off and on. I used to think that sex is the only thing that differentiates your significant other from a friend, but that’s wrong, it’s something deeper. I don’t have the time to be in “the lifestyle” and people can get so wrapped up in it that they neglect their “normal” life and social circles. I’m also someone who needs alone time and I don’t feel the need to be wanted by men. I don’t have those kinds of insecurities and frankly, sometimes I think it’s a pain in the ass to be a woman.
I thought about The Ex and his cheating. The thing that bothered me the most was the lying and sneaking. Not only did he lie to me and sneak around behind my back, but he lied to the women he cheated with and told them he was single. He was also very closed about his sexuality. If he bought a fetishy porn movie, he’d hide it and become very defensive if I brought it up. I was not judgemental, it just bothered me that he hid it from me and wouldn’t discuss is. If our relationship was open and supportive, and we were true life partners, and he came to me one day and discussed adding other people into our relationship, based on sex, I would have tried it.
I often think about how great it is to have sexual chemistry, like I did with The Ex, but about how those relationships never work out. I know what I want in a man, someday, and I know it’s more about friendship, partnership, trust, empathy, support, and the ability to talk to him without feeling judged. I know that I would miss that feeling, and it’s what most people cheating on their spouses refer to when they are looking for an outside relationship. The newness, the excitement, the rush, the butterflies. All of those things that do not make a great relationship, but make a wonderful courtship. And I can’t live without either.
I don’t know that I’m explaining this right, but I feel like if I can be open in every aspect of my life and someone allows me to be open and free, but at the end of the day, we’re partners in life, I could do this relationship thing. I also want to allow someone to be himself, to continue to be the man I met and fell for, not change into a lazy boyfriend or husband. And, I think being open in this way would allow openness in other ways. I know it would take a lot of maturity not just on his part, but on mine, and I know it would take trust. Finally, I realize I’ve really grown up and when you’re with someone special, you want them to be happy. Sexually, you want them to orgasm more than you want to do so yourself. And, there’s something about that that turns me on. I used to just assume that a man will cum and it was nothing special, but now, it’s different. And, I don’t know if this would work in reality or just in theory, but I think I need to try it.
After my evening with Cutie, I received a call from an AFF person and for some reason, we talked philosophical. About life. Not about sex or dating. And it made me realize that I’m in a good place, I’m a smart woman, and I’m happy. It also, along with other things of late, made me see that I don’t have to do what I’m supposed to do, not if it doesn’t make me happy. This is my life and I can live it however I want to. Many people in my age-range feel the same, so at least I know I’m not abnormal there!
Then, I was talking with my original FWB and we, being the same age and being in similar places in life, were discussing this whole, “too busy for a relationship” thing and how it’s weird that we’re happy even though life is not what we thought it would be. And we kind-of talked about the things we want, how they would be so hard to find, and the things we knew we should have, and those things we need. He’s pragmatic, much like me, and I value his input. I thanked him for listening and he said, “Hey, that’s what the ‘F’ is for”. Love him.
I feel like I’m finally becoming emotionally mature. I went to therapy when I was married, about five years ago when I was going through a dark time, and through our discussions, we came to the conclusion that emotionally, I was very immature. So, this little feeling of something coming together, of change, of stability, it hit me like a ton of bricks around 11:30 last night and I felt like I’d been punched in the belly, and then I was excited, and couldn’t get to sleep.
Good lord I am rambling. But, wow, I just feel like something happened. You know?