Yeah, there’s something wrong with me

The other day I started writing a post about how I think this FWB thing is too easy for me and how I recognize that maybe it shouldn’t be. I thought about how busy and unavailable I am, on purpose, and that isn’t necessarily normal, either. I’ve spoken with my best friend about this a few times, and I recognize, and know, what I’m doing. It’s subconscious, yes, but also on purpose.

Today when I received this comment on my last blog, I decided to write about it.

Hi- You seem like a sweet girl who is trying her best to find her way. But I must admit- when the story of how horrible your ex treated you, I just could not understand why you allowed that relationship to continue as long as it did…. It does seem like you have a better handle of relationships now, but this whole FWB makes me scared for you. I have read your last post– yes yes you are not ready for a relationship, but it really seems like you are in hiding, hiding away from a boyfriend that could hurt you, hiding from having emotions and feelings. Please forgive my bluntness- but are you in therapy of any sort? I think that I really good analyzation of your past will help you move forward.

I’m not sure why I allowed my ex to treat me the way he did. But yes, it still sits with me and has made me cautious, maybe jaded, about men and relationships. I can’t even imagine opening myself up to someone again, trusting someone, being vulnerable, giving myself to someone.  I don’t hate men, I love them (maybe too much!) but I honestly cannot imagine being in a committed relationship again. 

Will I ever be able to be in a relationship again? I couldn’t tell you. It’s been only nine months since I left The Ex. Perhaps these feelings will vanish, but the reality is that this aversion to a relationship has grown roots that continue to strengthen. All I know is that right now, I am happier than I’ve been in any relationship. Ever. I know there are benefits to a relationship, but at what cost?

My insane schedule keeps me unavailable for a relationship and it keeps me from being in my own head too much. And, my FWB relationships allow me to protect myself from evil while still having some of my physical needs met. When I do start to have feelings, I push them back, deep inside myself. I don’t want to feel hurt or vulnerable anymore. I want to be happy and strong. I want to be focused.

Perhaps this will all blow up in my face one day. I don’t know. But if this is such a horrible way of life, why am I so damn happy, healthy, and stress-free?


3 thoughts on “Yeah, there’s something wrong with me

  1. I wouldnt say it is a problem. It is more like a healing process u re going through. Yes, there is some protective mechanism behind all that but u don’t need to over analyze it . Time will heal. All u need is patience and distraction.

    Besides the traumatic breakup you are going through, i think the pressure of being 36 and single can be quite big – for me it is sometimes like telling people I am unemployed. In fact, being married and unemployed at 36 is much more acceptable than being single and employed at 36 here (hong kong, so- called westernized city). When I am strong, those things can’t get into me-but whenever I am down, the feeling of I-have-got-problem-if-not-why-am-i-not-married does sneak into my mind wrecking havoc.

    After experiencing relationships after relationships, I have found that it is important not to take things personally because most of us are not aware the full Impact of our behaviors In the moment. We have done our best with what we knew at that moment- so don’t blame yourself for contributing to the breakup , if there is a voice telling you that . And human mind is very tricky -there is a very punitive mini-me sometimes befriending us , telling us we ve met a jerk who wasted our youth and ruined our life, it is clearly his fault the two of you didnt work out; meanwhile, that mini-me says hey, rationally speaking, you got faults too-takes two hands to clap, you know.?.ud better re-examine the whole thing and learnt the lesson. ..blah blah. The thing is, learn to ignore this fucking mini-me . What you need to learn from the whole fiasco is already inside you. The last thing you need to do is to reexamine the whole thing again.

    Comment is getting too long and I d better shut up now. I enjoy reading your blog and has been doing the online dating thing myself and met a lot of unsexy d-bag who think they re so irresistible that I wanna fuck them as much as they wanna fuck me. Men got Crazy confidence without grounds all the time. Sigh.

  2. I got out of a rather long and traumatic relationship almost 2 years ago. And I did the whole casual, FWB thing for a long while after that. It worked. Like you I was happy and stress-free. Having lots of amazing sex, getting out there and remembering what it felt like to be a nice, vital and attractive woman about town!

    Then, slowly, so slowly that I almost didn’t recognize it was happening, the casual thing just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I felt like I needed…more. That’s how I knew I was just about ready to open myself up again, to look for more than just something casual. It’s a leap, a tough one but I’m glad I took it. You’ll be ready for it one day too. Until then, do what you’re doing. It’s a great way to remember how it feels to be in something that WORKS. It’s a great way to figure out what you want, how you want to be treated, what works for you in bed.

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