The other day I started writing a post about how I think this FWB thing is too easy for me and how I recognize that maybe it shouldn’t be. I thought about how busy and unavailable I am, on purpose, and that isn’t necessarily normal, either. I’ve spoken with my best friend about this a few times, and I recognize, and know, what I’m doing. It’s subconscious, yes, but also on purpose.
Today when I received this comment on my last blog, I decided to write about it.
Hi- You seem like a sweet girl who is trying her best to find her way. But I must admit- when the story of how horrible your ex treated you, I just could not understand why you allowed that relationship to continue as long as it did…. It does seem like you have a better handle of relationships now, but this whole FWB makes me scared for you. I have read your last post– yes yes you are not ready for a relationship, but it really seems like you are in hiding, hiding away from a boyfriend that could hurt you, hiding from having emotions and feelings. Please forgive my bluntness- but are you in therapy of any sort? I think that I really good analyzation of your past will help you move forward.
I’m not sure why I allowed my ex to treat me the way he did. But yes, it still sits with me and has made me cautious, maybe jaded, about men and relationships. I can’t even imagine opening myself up to someone again, trusting someone, being vulnerable, giving myself to someone. I don’t hate men, I love them (maybe too much!) but I honestly cannot imagine being in a committed relationship again.
Will I ever be able to be in a relationship again? I couldn’t tell you. It’s been only nine months since I left The Ex. Perhaps these feelings will vanish, but the reality is that this aversion to a relationship has grown roots that continue to strengthen. All I know is that right now, I am happier than I’ve been in any relationship. Ever. I know there are benefits to a relationship, but at what cost?
My insane schedule keeps me unavailable for a relationship and it keeps me from being in my own head too much. And, my FWB relationships allow me to protect myself from evil while still having some of my physical needs met. When I do start to have feelings, I push them back, deep inside myself. I don’t want to feel hurt or vulnerable anymore. I want to be happy and strong. I want to be focused.
Perhaps this will all blow up in my face one day. I don’t know. But if this is such a horrible way of life, why am I so damn happy, healthy, and stress-free?