Just some thoughts

A lot of people don’t believe me when I tell them I don’t want a relationship right now.  I guess I never believed anyone when they told me, either.

She’s just saying that because she doesn’t have anyone.

He’s just saying that because all he wants to do is screw around.

Sometimes, it’s true, people say one thing but think another.  Case in point, my best friend.  For months she’s said she doesn’t want a boyfriend because she has a lot to work on herself and doesn’t feel ready for a relationship.  She enjoys her indepedence.  She doesn’t want to deal with the bullshit.  Yet, as soon as someone she’s interested in shows interest back, she’s sucked into the “boyfriend vortex” and the truth is, she doesn’t even like him that much. 

I haven’t been single much in my lifetime, but I do know that everyone believes the best place to be is in a relationship.  Even I have felt a little strange not looking for a relationship.  It just seems like something you should be doing.  In my mind, people are not single, they are just between relationships.

With my original FWB, I was doing pretty well.  We had a thing, undefined, but relaxed, easy, mutually-beneficial.  Problem was, we rarely saw one another.  At first, that was OK because I was dating (not sleeping with anyone else) but then I stopped dating and decided I needed more “man time” than he could provide.  That’s when Cutie came along.  During my time on AFF, as brief as it was, I met some handsome, sexy, nice guys, but Cutie stood out as the best option for me.  At first I thought I might like him, but then realized I was just bored while at home over the holidays.  My first Christmas alone in many years, I may have been feeling a tad depressed, too.  When things got better, my feelings for Cutie were gone.

Now, things are going great.  But, I still have a twinge of feelings stuff with Cutie from time-to-time.  Nothing crazy, but it’s definitely there.  However, I don’t even really know him, and I recognize that.  I am a huge proponent of getting to know someone before you put your eggs in one basket, before you commit, before you jump in with two feet, before you change your life for someone (which will never happen again, by the way).  I’ve been burned too many times (rightfully so) by assuming I knew someone after a month, or two, or three, or more.  Six months, at least, is how long it takes to get to know someone enough to say, “I know this person and this is how I feel about him.”  There’s crushes, infatuation, lust, tummy butterflies, etc., but these are not what great relationships are made of.

Seeing my best friend give up on herself in order to spend more time with a guy she’s known for a day (met through an online site and have seen each other nearly daily since) reminds me of how much I don’t want to go there.  I’ve done it a million times before, trust me.  And, each and every time, I’ve regretted it.  While there is most definitely a rush, and it feels good, there is also a lot of uncertainty.  Why?  Because we don’t know that person.  We don’t know why they haven’t called us back.  Or why they didn’t ask us out this weekend.  Or if that thing we said made them them poorly of us.  Or if his grumpy attitude means he’s no longer interested.  Or if he’s not answering his phone because he’s with another girl.  You see, when you know someone and therefore trust that someone (assuming you’re not hanging out with someone you can’t trust), that person is just busy, tired or not feeling well.  He would never decide not to be with us because we told him something we’re not proud of.  The thought of him being with another girl would never cross our minds.  It’s so nice to know someone and to trust them and I feel like if I ever find that with a man, he’s a keeper.

When I went onto AFF last night to permanently shut down my profile, I noticed Cutie was online.  Cutie hasn’t texted me since Sunday evening when we’d texted nearly every day before then.  I became upset.  Aren’t I enough?  Doesn’t he like me?  If he is horny and has extra time, why isn’t he calling me?  How many other women does he have on the side?  Should I text him?  If I’m feeling this way, should I just end things with him? 

Once I thought all this through and let the initial waves of disappointment leave my head, I realized that all of these assumptions were based on nothing.  I told him I was busy.  We are friends with benefits, nothing more.  And, finally, I don’t know him.  Then, I thought about how I would proceed if I felt this way in a month, two months, three months, and I had to stop myself.  Breathe.  And just remember to take it day-by-day.  I don’t know how I will feel about him tomorrow, let alone in three months from now.  I have plenty going on.  How important is this right now? 

Finally, I thought about what I’d do if he decided he wanted more than a FWB relationship.  My first thought was that no, I didn’t want a relationship right now, and my answer would be to take it day-by-day for about a year.  Nothing defined.  No promises.  Nothing to “talk” about.  No drama.  No worries.  No bullshit.  No commitments.  Just enjoy each other’s company when we see each other, get to know one another and see where things end up.  Then, I realized, that’s kinda what we’re doing.  Granted, we’re not trying to figure out if we want to get married someday, but we’re getting to know each other, and if we are both into each other in a year, maybe things will change.  Or maybe they won’t.  A year is a long time.

It’s a weird place to be in, for sure.  And, I’m still not 100% comfortable with it.  I’m happy with it, but I guess it’s confusing.  There are times I feel lonely, bored, sentimental or I’m PMSing, and I second-guess my feelings, but unlike in the past, I always circle back around.  Old habits are hard to break.  I’m really excited about my journey.  I’m really happy.  I’m learning a lot, about me, about life, about relationships, but overall, I’m in a really good place.

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