Spill it!

Here’s the thing.  I got tired of being sized-up from men on Match.com (and those other dating sites).  I know what they are looking for: perfect wife and baby-maker material.  Either that, or they were looking for an easy fuck but pretending to be a guy looking for a relationship so that it’s not sleazy and they don’t end up with a tramp.  Me?  I’m not wife material (right now) and I’m not easy.  And, frankly, the pressure was getting to me. 

It’s a relationship-based website.  What does that mean?  To me, it means he needs to be the bees-knees.  My expectations are high.  But, since I don’t know what I want, that means he needs to be everything all in one.  Happy with and without kids, happy being married or not, open to dating and not a committment but maybe a committment, a bad boy but also a good boy.  See how confusing this is?  And, it means that since this is a relationship thing, he needs to sweep me off my feet, and let’s face it, because my expectations are so high,  I’m constantly disappointed.  And, that brings us back to the whole “I’m not ready for a relationship” thing because I want him to fail as a potential husband because I don’t really want to deal with it.

OK, I’m rambling, but I am going somewhere with this . . .

So, I got to thinking about what I want.  I want affection, sex, companionship and fun.  And, what I don’t want.  I don’t want to compromise, argue, think about the future, read into or worry about what he says and does when it comes to our relationship and I don’t want complications.  Doing what I want to do when I want to do it is not about having multiple men.  Who has time for that?  I sure don’t.  It’s about having time to myself and being able to go where I want when I want and not have to answer to anyone.  OK, it’s about having my cake and being able to eat it, too.  It’s hard enough for me to have a manager at work, and yes I get plenty of wrist-slaps because I do not follow the rules most of the time.  Rules are made to break anyway.

And, I just spent five years answering for everything I did.  If I had to work late, I was fucking my boss (ewwwww!) in the conference room.  If I went to the gym, I was sneaking off to fuck someone.  If I went out with my friends I was fucking someone and maybe having a lesbian thing (again, ewwwwww!).  If I went to my parents’ to visit, I was really fucking someone.  When I bought a new car I was really getting ready to leave him.  When I was tired or stressed (most of the time) I was getting ready to leave him.  When I didn’t want to spend money on the house, I was saving money to leave him.  When I got my hair done or bought new clothes it was so I could meet someone new and leave him.  All the while, he was cheating on me or lining up women for when I left him.  You can see how I might just want some breathing room . . .

While my FWB is great and I do really like him, things are the way they are and I don’t think either of us want it to change.  We’re both quite happy with our arrangement, as far as I know.  However, with this being a FWB situation, and with him interviewing out of state, and he’s a good catch with lots of social obligations, he’s got to get a girlfriend at some point.  I don’t want to put all of my eggs into one basket.  Plus, I’m finding that I’m really liking male companionship lately.  Most of my girlfriends are really into television, shopping and gossiping, and that’s not my thing.  That or they have kids and that’s all they do.  I want to get out, go out, have fun, be active.  But not worry about a relationship.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I joined Adult Friend Finder (AFF).  So far, I’ve really enjoyed it!  I don’t meet strangers for sex, I don’t do married guys, I am not a swinger, I’m not into chicks and there are several other things I don’t do.  I get a lot of emails, but very few of them are from quality men who are in the same boat as I am who are basically looking for a dead-end dating/sex relationship, without complications, strings or structure.   

What I like best about AFF is that you can just cut through the bullshit: this is what I want; this is what I like, this is what I don’t like.  Take it or leave it.  There are no dating games involved in this.  It’s all out on the table.  And that’s what I need right now.  I don’t need to worry about first dates, will he call me again?, third dates, or how big is his penis? (because they tell you in their profile, which is awesome!).  In the three dates I’ve had, I have been able to relax and be myself.  And yes, they were dates, no screwing.  The men are better looking than any of the men I met on Match, and they are educated, ambitious, driven, true gentlemen, and they are lots of fun. 

We’ll see how this goes . . . and I will tell you about my dates in tomorrow’s post.  Until then!

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