I think I’ve figured it out

I’m what a lot men say they want in their profiles:

  • Average in size (vs. BBW or whatever)
  • Confident
  • Active
  • Well-travelled
  • College-educated
  • I like a good beer every once in a while
  • Outdoorsy when I’m outdoors, not so much when I’m indoors
  • Love dogs
  • Hobbies of my own (to the point where I’m often too busy to even meet these guys)
  • Have a job/career/make my own money
  • Am shorter than the average guy but still an average height
  • Can get dressed up or dressed down depending on the situation (stupid, but every single profile wants it!)
  • A few bonus items: no kids, don’t smoke, no addictions, decent looking (not a 10 and I am horribly unphotogenic), and have a car

A friend of mine also has dating profiles on the same sites I have.  Speaking purely based on the internet, not of the two of us in person, the major differences one would see right away are that she is a couple years older than I am, she is tall for a woman, and has never been married (whereas I have been divorced). The other thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is that she is very pretty and very photogenic.  She has some of the attributes that men are looking for, but not quite the list that I have.  Which doesn’t mean I’m better than she is.  I would say that overall, she might be a better human being and if there is a judgement day and if there is a God, but room for just one more person in heaven, between the two of us, I would be the one going somewhere really hot.  My friend has a lot of positive attributes that one would not be aware of without meeting her, but for the sake of this post, we’re just talking about the basic, first impression stuff. 

Men who are active (tri-athletes, runners, racers, etc.) contact her and in their profile they say they want an active partner.  Her profile does not claim to ever exercise, hike, bike, run, yoga, etc.  Her hobbies include socializing, shopping, eating out (and not at trendy restaurants — she likes chains the best — so she’s not a foodie, and she doesn’t like alcohol including beer or wine), watching movies, and doing stuff like that.  

But here is the deal — not only does she never mention being active, she has a lot of extra weight on her and she can’t physically do the things some of these men want their partner to be able to do.  When she is thin, she’ll do some active things on occasion (weekend hike or bike ride), but she is not an athlete and she loses weight by restricting food with little to no exercise.  She says she’s curvy, and she is, but she is also a few extra lbs or maybe even a BBW.  And, speaking of pictures, they are all outdated and are of when she was thinner and younger. 

She is attracting men I would like to attract.  Well, some are super metro (she likes that) and some are douchebaggy (she likes that, too) but some are right up my alley in both the way they look, what they are looking for in a mate, and what they have to offer.  It doesn’t make me mad, it’s just difficult to swallow sometimes, when I’m getting the majority of my emails from fat hicks, suburbanites from hell, and in general, weirdos.  The best emails are from Regular Joes, usually no one special, so I give them a chance and am often disappointed. 

You’re probably asking, 1. Why doesn’t she have newer photos or change her profile from curvy to something more appropriate? and 2. What happens after they meet?  Well, like most of us (I have been there, too) who are overweight, we don’t always see ourselves the same way we are seen by others or maybe we don’t want to admit it because it’s just easier to lie.  I don’t know.  But that’s her deal.  I’ve tried suggesting new photos, but she won’t bite.  What happens after they meet is that she is either used or they never call her to ask her out.  This is what makes us talk about the weight and the need for newer photos.  Again, that’s her deal, I’m just there to listen and give advice, if she asks for it.

But, this isn’t about her and her problems . . .

This is about men and how true it is that they just look at the pictures and nothing else really matters when it comes to online dating.  And, if it does, these guys are usually single.  My FWB wants a really pretty girl PLUS a bunch of other, very pin-pointed things (like she has to have an advanced degree in only one specific area, and she can’t have a dog, can’t ever have been married, and the list goes on) and he’ll never find it because he’s unwilling to budge, or he will but she won’t like him back.  Bottom line is, when it comes to online dating, if you’re really pretty and/or photogenic, you win.  If you’re average and/or unphotogenic, you lose, even if you have everything else going for you that they say they want and you’re not even ugly.  I know these men are often bit in the ass because they think they are getting one thing, but they get another.  They are so image-minded that they forget about the truly important stuff.  I know it is what it is, but it’s frustrating, to say the least, especially because I’m not ugly.  But I’m also not a head-turner, like my friend is.  I guess things are different for different people and this is what I’ve been dealt, so I deal with it.

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3 thoughts on “I think I’ve figured it out

  1. This happens to men as well. Maybe a little less than women, but I know I have received my share of e-mails from women who clearly didn’t read my profile, but thought I was “cute” or “hot” or whatever. In fact, I can remember multiple times where simply switching to a better looking photo led to much more e-mail.

    I think some of it has to do with the heavily focus on the visual in general online. I’m sometimes astounded at how poorly written people’s profiles are, and yet even the most well written profile only goes so far if your photos aren’t decent – or if you aren’t photogenic.

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