Sometimes you have to look at you

I think that part of the healing process after a break-up is looking inward and figuring out how you contributed to the painful demise of the relationship.  I can sit here all day and talk about what an SOB The Ex is, about how there were other women, how he neglected our relationship, what a liar he was, and much, much more.  He’s a burden to women — there were many before me and there will be many after me.  But the real tragedy, at least in my situation, was that I allowed it to happen.

As I mentioned before, The Ex and I had a history and as we all know, history repeats itself.  I wanted to believe it wouldn’t and I wanted to believe in him.  I was young (well, younger than I am now), fit, attractive, living a great life, yet I gave it up for a relationship with a man who had treated me poorly not once before but three times.  And, over the next four years, things would not go well and I stayed put.  Sure, he was a sociopath, and at times he had me believing some pretty crazy shit, but I knew.

I don’t beat myself up for it.  Well, OK, maybe a little, but I’m getting better.  My energy should be spent on figuring out why I allowed myself to stay in a bad relationship for so long and how to avoid doing the same thing in the future.  We all have patterns and allow things to happen in our lives, then cry about them.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Etc.  It’s human nature.  And, sometimes we’re the only ones who can’t see it.  But often we can but don’t want to.

Like most relationships in peril, I knew things were going poorly way before I left and I spent a long time leaving, disengaging from him and his kids, burying myself in work and my new puppy, spending more and more time outside the home if I knew they were going to be there.  I was plenty angry during this phase, but my point is that I am ahead of the curve as far as getting over and recovering from a bad break-up because I prepared myself for nearly a year.

It’s been only six months since I’ve left and I’m already in a good, albeit a little depressing, place in my life.  I’m doing a lot of inner reflection, a lot of soul-searching, and spending a lot of time healing physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I don’t miss The Ex, but I often miss some of the securities that came along with the relationship. Often, I miss that time of my life because I feel like I missed out on a lot by wasting it.

I think this is why I’m seeking a fun relationship.  Nothing deep, nothing serious, nothing that takes work.  A friendship.  I just want to be happy right now.  Luckily, I am happy.  So maybe that’s why I’m not into it right now?  I’m not sure how to be happy while I’m in a relationship, I’m happy single, so why change it?  Sure, it feels weird to be OK with being single at 36 years old, but the other option is to be in a relationship and, if history does indeed repeat itself, be unhappy again.

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