Feelings on overdrive

After a very awkward date last night, on the way to pick something up at my parents’, I drove by my ex’s house.  Not because I was being a creeper, but because I wanted to see the status of the house, my house, our house.  There was a red BMW in the driveway this time.

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

I wasn’t shocked.  My adrenaline wasn’t pumping.  I just felt . . . disappointed.  In him, in myself, in life, in love, in everything.  And, I guess I was angry.  Because he screwed me over.  And because I allowed it. 

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat

Then, I thought about all the lies.  He was such a good liar.  Four years of lies.  Lies I didn’t want to believe.  But I did.  And then, I lied to myself.  I remembered all the lies he told to everyone before me, the lies he is probably telling to her, or to them, and the lies he’ll tell everyone in the future. 

Oh, And the award for
The best liar goes to you (goes to you)
For making me believe (that you)
That you could be faithful to me
Let’s hear your speech, Oh

Finally, I realized that even though he destroyed part of my heart, I’m in a far better place now.  I tried to squeeze a good memory of us from my mind and I couldn’t.  I wanted to cry, but there was nothing to cry over.  I tried to be sad, but I couldn’t.  I have no one to hold me, to hug me, no warm body to curl up next to, but I also don’t have to worry about the lies, the cheating or the the mind-fucks.  I’m doing OK and for the first time in a long time, I am happy and secure.  It hurts.  But I’m me again.

I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

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