What I’m looking for, and what I’m not looking for

The thought of a relationship does not appeal to me.  I feel like it should, like it’s supposed to, like there is something wrong with me because it doesn’t.  As I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t been single for more than six months since high school and each time I’ve been single, I was actively searching for a boyfriend during that time.  It’s just what you do when you’re single, or so I thought.

All my life, whether through television, friends or family, I’ve been told in one way or another that being single is bad, and I’ve always thought that single was only a temporary state while looking for a new significant other.  Like being unemployed — you might take a short break to get over the heartache, but you always jump right back in ASAP (you have to!).  It never dawned on me that a person would or could take themself off the market.

Until now.

I can’t imagine myself in a relationship at the moment, but more importantly, I can’t imagine myself happy or fulfilled in a relationship at the moment.  I would not want to put someone through having a relationship with me right now, either.  I haven’t felt this free, happy or healthy in a long time, and I’m scared to death to lose the way I feel right this second, and terrified to feel the way I felt just a few months ago.  If I’ve learned one thing from the relationship with my Ex, it’s that life is short.  And now, I’m 36 and I don’t want to waste another moment. 

I’m happy when I run, when I spend time with my girlfriends, when I hang out with my parents, when I take my dog to the park, when I laugh with my co-workers, when I plan adventures and when I do things for me.  Dates, dating and dealing with relationship crap does not make me happy.  Maybe for a second, when I get a sweet text, but I could eat chocolate and get the same instant gratification.  It would be less risky.  I’m not sure if I’m numb or if I’m broken.  I guess only time can tell.

So, where does this leave me?  The blog? 

I was on OK Cupid the other day when a giant photo of my current FWB came flashing on the screen.  We were nearly a 100% match, which made me chuckle.  That whole paper vs. chemistry thing.  He ultimately wants a wife and kids, and our last meeting was dull.  It was like married sex.  We were both tired and maybe this is running it’s course.  So, I sat there thinking, “Wow . . . so here I am on a dating site with a profile that screams ‘relationship’ while not only do I have a FWB, but he’s my match on the same website.”  I wondered how I’d feel if I were truly looking for a relationship and ended up going out with a guy under similar circumstances.  Probably not good.  I deleted my profile.

I went to delete my Match profile but discovered they’d just charged me for three more months.  I emailed, and failed to talk them into refunding my money.  At $60, I just can’t delete my profile.  But, I will be honest with anyone whose into me and I find myself into as well (which is highly unlikely to happen, it seems).  In fact, I cancelled my date with the guy I was supposed to meet up with tonight because I wasn’t that into him.  If I were looking for a relationship, I’d give it a chance.  But I’m not, so I’m not going to waste anyone’s time or money, and I just can’t fake it right now.  Unless someone really blows me away on Match, I’m not meeting him.  No “maybes”.

While I don’t want a relationship, I do want sex.  And lots of it.  Maybe some male company, but at the very least, someone I like to be around.  In that vein, I’m going to see my current FWB should we be able to get together when we’re both not exhausted.  I should figure out if it’s salvagable at this point.  And, I’m going to be seeking out new ones, probably via Craigslist.  Ya know, it’s just more my speed these days.  Should be fun!

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2 thoughts on “What I’m looking for, and what I’m not looking for

  1. Been there. 🙂 I don’t think it makes you numb or broken, its important to focus on yourself. Romantic relationships (even when they’re great) take a lot out of you, and you need time to focus your energy and passion towards other things and relationships. It sounds to me like you are happy at the moment, so soak it up and enjoy it! Great post!

  2. Pingback: What’s up? | 36 and Single

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