After my break-up, when I wrote my rebound ad, it came across as someone looking to, well, rebound. And, I meant for that to happen. I wanted a distraction, I wanted attention, and I wanted to get laid. This was a Craigslist ad. And, it worked. JK, my FWB, came from this ad, as well as a few other hopefuls that I just never got around to meeting for one reason or another
Shortly after I posted my FWB ad, I only wanted to do all the stuff I couldn’t do while I lived with the Ex for four, long, miserable years. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to decorate my home and live in it the way I wanted to, I wanted to go to the gym, I wanted to hang out with my friends and family, I wanted to turn the TV off and the stereo on, and I wanted to mourn the death of my relationship. So, I went off-line and starting doing all the things I had been unable to do before.
A couple months later, settled in and feeling pretty good about things, I decided I should start dating again, so I posted ads on Match, Plenty of Fish, and OKCupid. They were specific and contained lists of my wants and don’t wants. Yes, I said lists. Not only lists, but bullet-pointed lists. I was also very specific about height, weight, income, and profession. Occasionally, I would change things up a little. But, it was always kinda negative, a little bitchy, and really picky. I was obviously guarded. And probably bitter.
“Don’t contact me if you have facial hair!”
“If you are a cheater or have ever cheated, please look elsewhere!”
“Please, no losers!”
Something like that . . .
My attitude was, “Hey, this is the real me . . . love it or leave it!” While I think that statement is true to a point, it’s not attractive, and it shows an unwillingness to compromise. It also shows unrealistic expectations and throws off a “Don’t even bother, you’re not gonna be good enough” and “I’m just a bitter old bitch” vibe. As we all know, compromise is key and hard women are rarely appealing. I don’t want to say I’m someone I’m not, but I also know that if I ever want another relationship, I need to be open and willing to trust and not assume every man is going to be an SOB and make my life hell.
While my profile did evolve, things didn’t get a whole lot better, so I turned to my BFF who is also an online dater. Unlike me, she receives lots of emails. There are reasons for that other than our written profiles, however, our profiles could not be more different. Hers is sunny, sweet, kind, and positive. It’s also simple and light. She told me that while my profile was well-written and shows that I’m obviously bright and articulate, I don’t sound nice (at all), and overall, my profile was a big turn-off. She said she’d be scared to contact me, that it sounded like I was ready to kick ass and take names later, or whatever that saying is. Looking back, it seems that the men who have contacted me were, more than anything, just curious.
Back to the drawing board I went. A week of research and editing later, I think I found a good compromise. I took out the negative and turned everything postitive. Instead of “No deadbeats!” I wrote “I am attracted to ambitious men.” I deleted all of my “musts” with exception of my wish for a non-smoker. I tried really hard to be a positive, open, welcoming version of myself, which was not easy.
I have been receiving emails from men who interest me, and have a date or two lined up. I think it was the right move. And, having gone through this exercise, I think there are other areas in my life that could use an attitude make-over. I think it’s time for me to lose the chip on my shoulder, to soften up a little, maybe lighten up a little, and have a little more trust in others.